Monday, October 24, 2005

It seems the forces of evil have won, at least in the arena of home improvement megastore voice-overs.

Nearly two years ago, I pointed out that there is a right and a wrong in the do-it-yourself universe, and the choice between Home Depot and Lowe's is not difficult to make. Home Depot had as its spokesman John Schneider, now going into his fifth season playing Clark Kent's wise and loving adoptive father Jonathan on The WB's "Smallville." Meanwhile, the dastardly handypeople over at Lowe's had fallen in with Gene Hackman, whose star turns as criminal mastermind Lex Luthor in the first, second, and fourth Superman films will forever link him to the Man of Steel.

That delicate status quo ended abruptly and jarringly a few weeks back. I was driving along on a beautiful summer day, secure in the belief that good can triumph in the end, when I heard the familiar opening notes of the Home Depot jingle come over the radio. But I quickly became aware that something was horribly wrong. Pa Kent's friendly voice was not the one extolling the virtues of installing my own lighting fixtures. A deeper, much darker voice had replaced Schneider's.

It took me only half a second to identify the new speaker. He's a favorite actor of mine. Because of his towering frame and imposing presence, he often plays the heavy. From The Kurgan in Highlander to sadistic prison guard Byron Hadley in The Shawshank Redemption (arguably his most famous role), he's a go-to actor when Hollywood needs a villain. More recently, he had the role of Brother Justin Crowe in HBO's deeply disturbing "Carnivāle."

His name is Clancy Brown, and for the last few years he, like Schneider and Hackman before him, has played a major character in Superman's world. First as part of the latest incarnation of Superman in cartoon form, and now on Cartoon Network's Justice League, Brown is the voice of industrialist, would-be presidential candidate and evil genius...

Lex Luthor.

Weep, especially for the children, because now we live in a world where any purchase of a garden implement or foam insulation directly benefits the greatest criminal flame of our age.

Posted @ 1:29 PM

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