Friday, November 05, 2004

Hey Red States,

Any chance y'all would be interested in reviving the Confederacy? I'm just asking because we here in the Blue States seem to be so sharply at odds with so much that you hold dear that maybe you'd just be happier and more comfortable if you had a country all your own.

Think about it. We don't need to go through another civil war to affect this separation. We can treat this like an amicable divorce and divvy things up fairly through negotiation.

To get the ball rolling and sweeten the deal right off the bat, we'll give you Washington DC. You're welcome to all of it. We'll just take the Constitution with us on our way out. I can't imagine you'll miss it. You'll want to write a new one anyway, right? Something based on the Patriot Act and Leviticus, I'd imagine.

In trade for DC, I'm going to have to insist that we keep the name. If you don't like the old Confederate States of America moniker, I'm sure you guys can come up with something new and catchy like USA-Red, God's Country or Gunland.

Sorry. Just a little bitterness slipping out there. Like the song says, breaking up is hard to do.

Okay, back to my proposal. To keep our geographic continuity, we're gonna need the northern thirds of Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Indiana and Ohio. Sure, you'll lose access to the Great Lakes, but you'll also no longer have to share a border with Canada! In exchange, we'll give you all of New Mexico and the southern half of Illinois. Here's a rough sketch of what that might look like:


Pretty cool, huh? Except for southern California, you'll get to keep all the warm spots!

Speaking of warm spots, we should probably discuss Hawaii. We want it. And since Alaska would clearly be happier with you than it would be with us, that seems like a fair swap. Just think, you'll be able to drill that sucker for oil now without us pesky Blue Staters moaning about the caribou or whatnot.

Now, on to population. I realize there are lots of folks in each of these proposed countries who are philosophically more attuned to the other side. To address this, I propose housing and job swaps. We create a giant database listing the occupations and living arrangements of those who want to switch their citizenships. For example, a blue-tinged librarian with a two-bedroom apartment in Atlanta might change places with a reddish librarian living in a duplex outside St. Paul.

I realize there are any number of big logistical problems with this plan, but if we really try... if we really...

::sigh::

This won't work, will it? We've all got too much invested in this Union to split it up, despite our substantial differences.

Okay, fine. We're all just going to have to stay here and work this thing out together, no matter how long it takes. Better put some coffee on.

Posted @ 2:27 PM

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