Monday, April 15, 2002

Let me go on the record here: I'm not a fan of SUVs. I'm not revealing any state secrets when I say they're unwieldy gas-guzzlers that take up too much space. When I moved back to the DC area almost three years ago and saw the preponderance of these monstrosities clogging the highways, I feared my loathing of them would drive me mad. I pictured myself standing on the shoulder of the Beltway, clad only in a loincloth, my hair a wild, tangled mane, throwing rocks at every Ford Excursion and Lincoln Navigator that passed me.

Luckily, that never came to pass. I'm still not fond of the things, but I've learned to ignore them, at least as much as one can ignore a two-ton, eight foot tall behemoth blocking one's view of the road ahead or trying to merge into one's passenger side because the driver has trouble seeing one's little Saturn sedan.

Amy Alkon is not as forgiving as I am. She's a writer for the New Times L.A., she hates SUVs, and she's on a mission: insult every SUV driver she can find. Her method is underhanded and efficient. She and some friends she's recruited look for the largest of the large SUVs and put little cards on the windshield. These cards belittle the driver's manhood (she admits to gender bias, but couldn't pass up the visceral power of slighting male genitalia) and provide a phone number. If called, an answering machine continues the assault, then allows the caller a chance to respond. Alkon has collected some of these responses in her column, and they're predictably hilarious.

I hesitate to call Alkon a new hero. I reserve that for other folks, those who inspire me to be better than I am. But I'd be lying if said I don't get a little vicarious thrill from her campaign.

I should point out that I'm not an absolute extremist on this. It's mostly the ludicrously gargantuan land yachts that get my goat, not the smaller ones that take up no more room than a standard pick-up. I realize there can be legitimate reasons to get an SUV, although my definition of legitimacy in this arena is quite narrow. Anyone who drives one and for some reason feels the need for my approval on this can apply for a special dispensation here. Be persuasive: only compelling reasons will sway me.

Well, that or large sums of cash.

(Via Plastic. See, I can swipe from other sources!)

Posted @ 3:28 PM

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